It’s Saturday morning, and your child is getting ready for a big game. You want to do everything possible to support her. You sense that she’s feeling anxious about playing. You’re there, ready to give her all your tips. You tell her what to eat to have good energy for her game. You encourage her to do warm up exercises to prepare her mind and body. You carefully review the plays you think she needs to know. You share with her what you did to psych yourself up for your big games as a youth athlete. Your advice is excellent – but, if you don’t check in with her first about what she is feeling, it may leave her feeling like your ideas are more important than whatever is happening inside her emotionally.
Whose game is it? When parents’ experience predominates
Though this is not your intention, you may be conveying to your child that her performance matters a little too much to you. She interprets your enthusiastic advice about how to optimize her playing experience as you needing her to succeed. Rightly or wrongly, she may feel like your state of mind is dependent on her accomplishments. She wins, you are elated; she loses, you despair. You’re her parent. You matter to her, maybe more than anyone. She doesn’t want to disappoint you. The pressure she may feel to please you is the tipping point for her. She feels stressed, out of sorts, and can no longer focus on her experience since she feels the weight of catering to yours.
So, what is a supportive parent supposed to do? As the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland wisely encourages, “Don’t just do something – stand there.”
Tune into how your child is feeling
More than anything, your child may need you to step back and refrain from advising her. She has coaches, teammates, other parents, letting her know what to do on the court or the field, how to do it, and how to feel about it. What she needs from you is something different — your emotional presence and your attunement to how she is feeling.
By exploring your child’s experience and being receptive to what she needs, you will help her become more self-aware, grounded, and confident in herself as a player. You’ll start noticing your child will become more present in her game prep, more focused in her games, and more resilient in tolerating stress and disappointment.
There is a term in relational psychology that describes the power of being present for another’s experience: receptive capacity. Children, from a very young age, are filled with sensations and feelings they don’t fully understand. They need caregivers who have the capacity to be receptive, who can help them make sense of what they are feeling inside. It is relieving when a parent can read children’s facial expressions and body language, can process what they are communicating, and can help make sense of what they are feeling.
Think back to when your child was much younger and you noticed she was grumpy and fatigued. You realize it had been a while since she ate. You say to her, “I think you may be hungry.” You are processing what she is communicating and helping her understand what she is feeling and needing. Your child reflects on what you said, agrees, and asks for something to eat. Rather than simply shoving food at her, you are helping her recognize her feelings and ask for what she needs.
Listen before you leap
Similarly, when you sense your child is anxious before a game, it can be tempting to rush in with a slew of recommendations -do this, try that. But you may be missing what your child needs most – for you to first understand what she is feeling. So, how do you do this? You can notice if she seems like she is having a hard time and wonder with her about what’s on her mind. You can be there to listen to what she has to say. And if she doesn’t feel ready to talk, just being present with her can mean a great deal.
Keep your feelings in check
Keep in mind your child may already be putting pressure on herself to perform well. You can help her tremendously by keeping your own feelings in check. If your child senses you are anxious, she may take that on and feel even more anxious. If she senses you are too invested in her success or failure, it may pull her away from her being able to have her own experience of her game. Instead, if you can explore what she is feeling, your focus on her experience will help her feel secure and grounded. At that point, if she wants something from you – a warm-up before the game, a review of plays, or anything else for that matter -she can ask for it.
Avoid joy-sticking
To be fair, it can be really hard to stand back as a parent. We live in an era of child-raising which encourages parents to focus tremendously on giving children all the time, resources, and energy they can possibly muster to support their kids’ development. It may feel like more is better – more investment, more advice, more support. Parents might think they are being helpful by directing their kids steps and redirecting their missteps. There is a term coined by a soccer coach, joy sticking, to describe what happens when coaches or parents try to direct their children’s plays on the field, like one would in a video game, telling their child what to do and not do at every turn. The goal might be to create more confident, skilled players, but the effect is often the opposite. Kids feel distracted by their parents’ directions and overwhelmed by their parents’ strong feelings. They begin to doubt their own choices. And they miss out on the opportunity to reflect on and learn from their mistakes.
Parents mean well. They want to offer support. But if they are overly directive, if they leap in to offer advice before they know what their kids really want or need at that moment, they can increase kids’ anxiety, not lessen it.
Resisting the urge to “do something” for your kids can be hard. Remember that you can offer them something greater – your emotional presence and your engagement with all of your kids’ feelings- their joy, fear, pride, disappointment, frustration, all of it. Being receptive to what your child is feeling will help ease her anxiety and support her ability to focus and give her all. And it can strengthen the bond between the two of you, which will pay dividends, on and off the court or field.
Parents – I get this is challenging. And sometimes counterintuitive. But I trust you - you’ve got this. Keep in mind:
Child athletes experience parental overinvestment and excessive direction as pressure, which can negatively impact their performance. They may become anxious, resistant to playing their sport, and resentful of you
Excessive stress and performance anxiety in child athletes can bleed into other areas of their lives, impacting their performance in school, their relationships with others, and their overall well-being
As a parent, you can help your child athletes tremendously if you:
Ask them to tell you what they are feeling, what their goals are, and what they need from you to prepare for their upcoming game
Listen to what they are telling you, and try to convey a receptive and understanding attitude
Check yourself and be careful to avoid burdening them with your feelings and goals for their performance
Step back and give your child space to have their own experience of their game, their sport, and their identity as an athlete. This will help them understand that their worth is not tied up in their performance.
Dr. Kristen Carey is a Bay Area based psychologist who is passionate about helping parents understand and connect with their children. With over twenty years of experience in private practice, she specializes in partnering with parents to support their children’s healthy development and well-being. Contact: dr.kristen.carey@gmail.com or
(510) 587-3260.
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